We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
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A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Same pineapple, same
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.