[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
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Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
Me: Like burger kings!
cow: where does milk come from?
milk man: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?