@mxmclain

We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated

You Might Also Like

@Skoog

[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]

[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]

me: do ya wanna…?

uber driver: no

@evangeline_dawn

Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.

@DanMentos

[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”


“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks

@Torgo_phylum

Me: Tonight we dine like kings!

*checks wallet*

Me: Like burger kings!

@CopBroughtPizza

cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.

@TheAlexNevil

Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are

@stephenjmolloy

Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”

@ShootyDoody

Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.

@SaltyMacTavish

My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral

@pleatedjeans

[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?