We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated

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[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]

[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]

me: do ya wanna…?

uber driver: no


Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.


[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”

“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks


Me: Tonight we dine like kings!

*checks wallet*

Me: Like burger kings!


cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.


Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are


Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”


Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.


My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral


[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?