We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
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Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.