We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
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What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
japanese corn
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction