“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
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Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.