We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
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My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
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