@Jeffwni [Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
@MrSkinnyGenes We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
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@Jeffwni 
@M_Angelo505 FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
@perlhack The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
@ArfMeasures HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
@bewgtweets Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
@daemonic3 The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
@topaz_kell Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
@dumbbeezie Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
@NotTodayEric Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
@SouthernStylin1 9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!