@MrSkinnyGenes

We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.

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@Jeffwni

[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”

@M_Angelo505

FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.

@perlhack

The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”

Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look

@ArfMeasures

HER: You ran over my cat

ME: I’m so sorry

HER: You’re gonna have to replace him

ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok

@bewgtweets

Cop: do you know why I stopped…

Me: *holding up hand for a high five*

Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…

Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*

Cop: what are you, Umm

Me: *i hold eye contact* hi

Cop: *blushing* hi lol

@topaz_kell

Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.

@dumbbeezie

Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!

Female reproductive system: Hold my beer

@NotTodayEric

Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.

@SouthernStylin1

9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!