We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
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[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times