We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
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interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Cheer up.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.