We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
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As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Air pods looking like an angry frog
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
Pretty much. 🤣
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.