We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
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“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing