We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
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The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
This is painfully accurate 😅
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.