We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
You Might Also Like
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.