We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
You Might Also Like
Breaking news:
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
A huge thanks to the person that did this
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.