Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

79.

Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.

angel: they seem to be doing well

God: give them more diseases

angel: is that really necess-

God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla

Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks

How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.

My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat

Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.

i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig

Many serial killers are good people, deep down. They just have a hard time not methodically killing a number of people over an extended period

This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.

[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]

Is Mark short for something like Markathon?

This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.

Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.

Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.

[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look

Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.

I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.

if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.

Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.

My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.

Things that alarm my 5yo

Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick

Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt

Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce

Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.

In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.

ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager

Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers

I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.

Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.

You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices