We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
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What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead