FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
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[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.