@fightforfood
@Hadzilla FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
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@Hadzilla 
@pleatedjeans [Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
@WilliamAder The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
@LeahsLounge If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
@elle91 Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
@JimmerThatisAll If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
@abbycohenwl He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
@ItsAndyRyan Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
@SuperRandomish Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
@Elizasoul80 The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.