We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
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Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
TEETH IS INNOCENT