We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
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Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
Möther may I have a snäck
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”
AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.