We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
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My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Skills
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.