@XennDad
@electrolemon yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
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@electrolemon 
@skedaddle74 My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
@noog Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
@BadMikeyBad This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
@MiddlingMs Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
@MatMarcotte12 I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
@PhuckinCody me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
@HaramiParindey Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
@mrtruthandsoul Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
@SkippyMcGizzard I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.