we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
You Might Also Like
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
oh no, steve’s working tonight
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*