we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
You Might Also Like
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
Put my back out twerking in the library again
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.