We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
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8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
bought wrong eggs
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive