we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
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Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Don’t forget to tip your server
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems