We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
You Might Also Like
me and the Superbowl rn
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.