We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
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[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
cyclists
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.