“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
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I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Body by cheese-puffs.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
Ladies, why y’all do this?
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Steam Forums
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car