“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”

– Corporate ants.

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Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.


A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”


Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.


I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.


[texting with new girlfriend]

Her: What are you doing tonight?

Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp

Her: You’re adorable


Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁


Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉


30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children