we had to replace our dishwasher a few months ago and i genuinely had to argue with the store that i wanted the stupidest machine they had. there is not a single situation in the world in which my dishwasher needs wifi
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Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
my relationship with the mailman is pretty toxic. one day he brings me gifts and i love him 😍. the next day he brings me bills and i hate him 🤬. but he always comes back 😌
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.