We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
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I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep