We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
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If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.