We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
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Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!