We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
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I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm