“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
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Best misinterpreted text ever!
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.