Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order

Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.

deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)

Self-cleaning conscience

Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”

The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it

[job interview]

Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?

“Yes”

WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.

COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.

My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.

[inventing video games]

i wanna be lazy but with a purpose

I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.

I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.

me doing my best

Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”

Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se

*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever

*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*

ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.

transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.

*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*

Mondays, amirite?

I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th

DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”

*Groans*

*Sobs*

*sighs*

*a solitary gunshot*

There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house

*when the villain in the movie has a PhD*

Viewers without a PhD: Ah, they are just saying he’s a smart villain. Makes sense.

Viewers with a PhD: Ah, grad school and academia drove him to madness. Makes sense.

Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here

I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave

If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.

Just in case to be clear #gbbo

Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues

Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE

Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.

*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird

“So, would you like to hear about my dead grandpa?”

I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?