We have a winner.
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It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
i have one speed and it’s mosey
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun