We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
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Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*