We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
You Might Also Like
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
ATMs should have breathalyzers
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef