We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
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MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.