“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
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The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
no regrets
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL