We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
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Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker