We have reached my favorite portion of the Thanksgiving program. My mother just yelled, “There’s too many people in this GotDamn kitchen. Now get out and get ready to say the blessing.”
You Might Also Like
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
Angry when I have to prove I’m not a robot and angry at those who built the robots for whom I am held accountable for.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *