We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
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FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Pot warmers of the day.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship