We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
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Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.