We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
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Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Smile they said.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
adding to the discourse
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.