We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
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There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.