We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
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Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?