“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
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I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Meeeee too!
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?