@Miz_Mental_Case

We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.

But I’m the one that needs meds?

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@lovemydogduck

How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.

@Love_bug1016

Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.

@Darlainky

*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*

Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.

Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.

@squirrel74wkgn

[leaning over bathroom sink]

Me: *clips fingernail*

Fingernail: *lands in Italy*

@saltssaltgirl

I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.

@imchriskelly

i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it

@HepatitisAtoZ

chore hatred level:

considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes

@BoomBoomBetty

Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.

@theDanLawler

I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.

@jonnysun

ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE