We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.

But I’m the one that needs meds?

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How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.


Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.


*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*

Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.

Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.


[leaning over bathroom sink]

Me: *clips fingernail*

Fingernail: *lands in Italy*


I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.


i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it


chore hatred level:

considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes


Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.


I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.


ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]