‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
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Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.