We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
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not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.