We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
You Might Also Like
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.