we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
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THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.