We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
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{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old