We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
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I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
What
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth